Nigeria as a country, boasts of close to two hundred million people in population. A very large percentage of this population are predominantly Christians. Having such large population of people trooping to the church, it’s actually expected that there will always be diversity in the behaviors of the members of the congregation. There will always be the odd one’s; the ones who will standout from the crowd.

Am not trying to bring anybody down or make anyone feel bad. Christ himself doesn’t look down on anybody, but there are some people you see in church, some characters being exhibited and you can’t just help but go like:

egbon, buet why?”

Am actually guilty of one or two of them myself.

Today we’re going to be looking into the first part of Chew Five: Five types of people you will see in a Nigerian Church.

1. Those who know the lyrics to all the songs: these type of people are the living version of A-Zlyrics.com; they know the lyrics to all the songs. There’s no song the choir wants to come up with that they can’t sing. Even if the choir composed the song themselves; these people will sha know the lyrics.

Once the choristers spills the first few lines, they help raise it. Now there’s nothing wrong with singing in the church but when you start shouting the lyrics and it becomes obvious that you’re not singing to glorify God but to let people know how prominent you are with the lyrics you should caution yourself.

2. Those who don’t know the lyrics to the song: I’ve been to some churches where the chorister leads the congregation to a song which lyrics i didn’t know or songs i hadn’t heard prior to that service. What i did was simple; close my mouth, try to listen to the wordings as others sang and for the churches that projected the lyrics i tried to read them.

For some people, that’s not the case o. They don’t know when to keep mute. That’s when they will start spilling nonsense trying to mimic the others. The congregation will be singing A they will be far from Z.

That’s when i heard someone singing

“Jehovah is your name x2
Mighty warrior,  Great in battle,
Jehovah is your name.”
as
“Jeehova is ur Name x2

19 Warriors, 8 in Battle,
Jehova Is Your Name’
90 warriors, ate in battle,
Jehovah is your name”

“Be thou exhalted,
exhalted, exhalted,
Emmanuel.”
as
“Be thou exhausted..
Exhausted,
Exhausted Emmanuel”

“You are awesome in this place,
mighty God”
as
“You are hamsom in this place,
mighty God”

“Imela, imela, imela,
Jehovah imela,
Ayinekele ginasi imela, imela,
Jehovah imela”
as
“Email email her, email her
Jeho email her.
Ayinekele gymnastic email her email her
Jeho email her”

But why? ehn why?

Those are the moments when i go like ‘if i were God and this words of praise were for me, I’d repackage it and send it back to you with the speed of lighting’. That God said you should praise him does not ‘naw’ mean you should come and be polluting his ears with trash.

3. Those that are always on their phone: These ones are phone addicts, the can’t just do without using it even in the church. Especially now that Tecno and Infinix has made the purchase of Android phones relatively cheap.

That’s when you will see someone (mostly females) bring out (a less than twenty thousand Naira phone) and start whatsapping all in the name of using a bible applications. Some will be taking selfies.

You don’t even need to be in some church services anymore, just go to the twitter feed of some people that attended and you will see live commentary of what is going on during the service. Enh some girls will be updating their snap chat with that rubbish dog feature. Maka why?

4. The “Christian” Peter Okoyes: These ones can dance for Africa. Any small drumbeat their legs can’t bear to stay still for a second longer. And the most annoying thing is that the dance they are even dancing sef is not an edifying one; it’s the same worldly dance they incorporate into the church of God.

They deceive themselves with the ideology that “the dance i cannot dance outside (for the devil), i will dance it in the church (for God).

My Brothers and Sisters, who are we deceiving?

5. The First timers: These ones can attend three different church services (of different denominations) on one Sunday.

Yes! I’ve witnessed it!

My roommates where that raz. They will start by 07:00am, first service ends by 8:30am, they will head to another church for their 09:00am service finish that one around 11:00am then  go somewhere else for an afternoon 12:00 Noon service that ends by 02:00pm.

They will now return with three different packages, start a comparison and eating.

It’s these type of people you invite to your church and they will go;
‘what do they give first timers in your church?’

It’s that bad, but i believe it’s all well.

Since tomorrow is Sunday and most of us will be going to church tomorrow, if you see or notice any unusual or absurd behavior from anyone and you think it should be featured in the second part, don’t hesitate to tweet it at me on twitter @shalombrain.

Happy Weekend!!!.

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